Maybe Lebron James isn’t the worst thing ever

20 May enhanced-buzz-wide-16893-1337364223-10

An executive decision has been made. I no longer hate Lebron James.

At the moment of this being typed, the Pacers vs. Heat, game 4, is just about to tip-off. I didn’t watch game 3, in which the Pacers unexpectedly beat the Heat by 19 points, but I did celebrate it. I had G-chat conversations about what this would mean for “Lebron’s legacy,” if he’s setting himself up to be another great athelete littered with “what-if‘s,” and the requisite discussions about how big of a dick Dwayne Wade is. Somewhere in between then and now, I grew a little as a person (albeit one who still cares too much about this kind of stuff).

Now, I really hope that, at the very least, Lebron does everything he can to beat the Pacers today. I don’t know if I want his team to win, but I really hope he does well. It’s kind of like the first round of the playoffs when the 76ers played the Bulls. Love the Bulls, but Andre Iguodala is from Springfield, my hometown. I wanted Iguodala to do well, but the Bulls still to win. Then Derrick Rose tore his ACL, Carlos Boozer loves taking statistically poor shots and Iguodala eliminated the Bulls on a fast break foul. Whatever.

I’m getting off track. The main reason that I no longer want to dislike Lebron James is he’s just too good to dislike. I’ve never seen anybody play basketball like him. Shouldn’t this be celebrated? People always talk about Lebron as though he’s  lacking in something when it comes to his actual basketball game. Can’t being really, really insanely good at most of things a person can do on a basketball court be enough? Just because he has the ability to be good at everything doesn’t mean he should, or can, realistically, be good at said everything. There’s four other guys on the court to, in theory, round out the deficiencies that any one player may have. Oscar Robertson is the only player to ever average a triple double in a single season, but I don’t know what he looks like. Can’t tell you what team he was on. He probably wore short shorts as well, so all his accomplishments can be thrown out the window.

Paul George, swingman for the Pacers. He’s fast and can dunk and can shoot 3’s and is a physical freak of nature too, but unlike Lebron, has been awful in the playoffs this year. I won’t even bother to pull up the stats. I’m sure he’s hovering somewhere around 10 points with a shooting percentage of slightly below 40 percent. He’s great at playing defense, but you can’t win the game if you don’t put the ball in basket. Straight up truth bomb. The point is, just because you have the skills doesn’t mean you are automatically great. Pretty sure Lebron James works awfully hard to be as good as he is.

I liked Lebron on the Cavaliers because it was really just him. I wanted to see him destroy every other team, put up disgusting statistics and make me hold it in and watch him play when I had to go potty, because he was/is that exciting to watch. It was like a test, can one player be great enough to carry a crappy team to a championship?

I was home from college over a summer break when this happened:

I jumped up from the couch in pure excitement. My mom was sitting next to me reading. I rewound this shot and made her watch it. Then I went upstairs to talk to my dad about it. He was just about to fall asleep and was annoyed. I didn’t care. That’s a great shot.

Then the following happened: the Cavs were ultimately eliminated by the Magic a couple games after that one, the Cavs signed Shaq in order to beat Dwight Howard in the following years playoffs, only to be eliminated in the second round by the Celtics and setting off rounds of “Delonte West must have been sleeping with Lebron’s mom!” rumors. That’s how weird Lebron’s no-shows were throughout that Celtics playoff series — the only thing that could explain Lebron’s play was one of his teammates HAD to be having sex with his mom.

Then he leaves his hometown Cavaliers, informing both that organization and the whole world of his decision to go join the Miami Heat at the same time in, which is important to note, the douchiest way possible.

Then, there was this:

Sooooo maybe there’s a lot of good reasons to dislike Lebron. I guess I‘m just sick of it, though. Everybody hates him. If you don’t hate him, it seems like you’re just trying to be a contrarian to prove a point. Which I am totally not doing, for realz. I want to root for him to somehow live up to all his boundless potential. As a basketball fan/sports enthusiast/lover of classic redemption stories, I‘d like to see this happen.

Dwayne Wade, on the other hand, now that guy is the worst. I do feel for him though because his ex-wife was crazy and accused him of being a Satanist, but, who knows. Maybe Dwayne Wade is a Satanist. One of my favorite comments post “Decision,” was something along the lines of, “Lets take a moment to applaud Dwayne Wade for convincing two of his dumber friends to take less money to come play on HIS team.” I don’t remember who said that, but c’mon, who does that to their friends?

Another reason for hoping Lebron beats the Pacers: Tyler Hansborough plays for them. I would like nothing more than to punch that guy’s fish face.

That apparently is a wax figure of Hansborough. You can’t tell.

And since this has already dragged on for long enough, here’s  a link to Chris Bosh just being a goof.

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Jake Gyllenhaal YOUR business today!

21 Mar Z_Jake-Gyllenhaal

The economy sucks. America is in the dumps. We haven’t been innovative in years.

We’re here to change all that.

What happens when three inspired business minds get together? You get three sure-fire successful business ideas/puns on Jake Gyllenhaal’s name.

“Jake Chillin-hall” by Alex Reside*

Imagine pulling up in your Kia Sorento, smiling to yourself because you look down at the dash and notice that you are getting about 28 miles to the gallon. “Suckers, I’m gonna own this club tonight,” you say to yourself as you drive 4 blocks away to find a parking spot on the street. Hop out the Sore’ and half jog to the corner and you see the line out front under the neon lights. Hum the melody to “Tonight’s going to be a good night” as you check in on Foursquare to the “Jake Chillin-hall.” You know you gotta send that bitch to Twitter, but just then your phone blows up:

“Hey bro, finna get your drink on at Jake Chillin-hall tonight?”

“Hells yea, I’m in this bitch.”

“Aight, holler at you when I get there.”

Again you hum the melody to “Tonight’s going to be a good night” as you now send that Foursquare check-in to Twitter. You are now approaching the line, but by this time, the neon, smiling Gyllenhaal face is so bright that you can barely stand it. You get to the end of the line and you crane your neck.

“Damn this place is ripe with shorties tonight,” you think to yourself.

Everyone in line is humming the melody to “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” because they all can’t wait to get into the hall and just chill on the plush sofas and the tire swings.

Tonight IS going to be a good night.

(Kia is a proud sponsor of the Jake Chillin-hall, log onto Kia.com for more info on our 10 year, 100,000 mile warranty program. Blake Griffin.)

“Jake Chili-hall” by Scott Rogers*

Well hello there, c’mon in! Welcome to the Jake Chili-hall, we hope that we may be of some assistance to you! Here at the Jake Chili-hall we strive to make our customers feel right at home, which is why as soon as you walk in the door we provide you with a full sweat suit and direct you to your very own personal recliner. Relax as our waiter’s wheel out a flat screen television for your viewing pleasure, while also providing you with a laptop that you can use to check your Facebook throughout your solo dining experience. You can blog about your feelings too, but we here at the Jake Chili-hall prefer that you eat them!

That’s why we have the largest menu of chili’s that you can find anywhere in the entire world. We got chicken chili, meaty chili, extra hot chili, super mild chili, chili-mac, mac with just a lil’ bit of chili, chili dawgs, turkey chili, and of course, our world-famous Gyllenhaal chili (no association with actor Jake Gyllenhaal), plus much more! We can serve it however you want too, bowl, plate or bucket, whatever.

Maybe none of these options sound good to you, in which case we can pour the chili straight into the cheap, generic plastic bag that you’d eat out of anyway if you were at home, alone. We even provide you with a spork, because we understand that the spork is the only tool you’ll ever need. Feel free to take it back to your studio apartment, because we know that you would steal it anyway!

Not a fan of chili? Don’t worry, we’ll provide a free bag of starburst and a snack pack of funyuns. That’s on the house y’all!

“Jake Killin’-hall” by Evan Ponder*

HOSTEL.

*None of these ideas are in any way associated with Jake Gyllenhaal. Any use of an appearance similar to his or a pun on his name is unintended.

10 Awful Things I Used to Believe

20 Mar

Zip off cargo pants that turn into shorts are cool and will never go out of style

They did, and I was always at a loss for what to do with the zipped off portions of pants too.

Girls like gel pens, so I’m going to buy gel pens

The two do not connect like I thought they would. A man can write in black, blue, green or when the situation calls for it, menacing red. Preferably, you must also use a fine point tip, no ball point jazz.

Also, when girls would give me things written in gel pen, I would have to read it over and over because the coloring made it so hard to read (especially when it was in the lighter colors) which would then force me to reread and reread it, which led to over analysis, which led to self-doubt, which then led to me messing something up in some way.

If I shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch, I’d be cooler

This, I thought, but never acted upon. I knew that if I ever wore these brands, people would think they were not cool anymore. So, jokes on you, cool people.

I’ll be able to dunk someday

The less said about this, the better.

There’s nothing wrong with eating a coffee cake out of a vending machine, and especially not if you paid for it with ten dimes, that’s not a sign at all

Turns out it is a sign. I just learned this today.

 I can drive my car a bit longer with the check engine light on, everything seems fine

I love getting towed, what can I say?!

I have a future in magic

This was a trick, pardon me, an illusion that I lived under for most of my childhood.

“Warsh” and “wash” are two separate words

You warsh your clothes but wash your hands. This was the distinction I made to myself, despite the fact that most adults around me used “warsh” in the place of “wash” at all times, yet still pronounced “Washington” correctly. It’s a Central Illinois linguistic thing.

One day I’ll be tall and have a pony tail

For some reason, I thought I was going to grow up looking completely different from anyone in my family. That’s not an insult to anyone, it’s just that I watched so much television in the early 90’s that I was convinced I would be both tall and have a sweet pony tail like Tommy from the Power Rangers. That was what teenagers looked like, genetics be damned. Now I hate it when my hair gets long enough to touch my ears and am of average height. Really thought I’d be dunking with a pony tail at some point.

If I try hard enough, things are bound to work out

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, things will never work out.

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A Couple Minutes Ago Everything Shut Up

11 Mar

There was a moment when the car’s passed and it was quiet. No exhaust spitting, no lingering remnants of tires rolling against the road, no more revving of expensive suburb middle-life crises . It was quiet.

I heard a dog bark in the neighborhood behind me.

I heard geese as they flew off.

I heard a child yell something at the playground.

I heard the wind through the trees.

I heard my fan above.

I heard the refrigerator in the kitchen.

I heard my neighbor in the shower through the wall.

I could feel my heart beating, hear the gentle pulse though the veins by my ears.

The continuous echo was gone.

Sometimes, when I’m not sitting on the internet or watching television, I cant help but acknowledge where I am: In a small apartment with a random collection of things. Clothes, books, food, glasses/plates/cooking ware, video games/television/movies. There’s no connection to anything in those moments, no comforting thought of how someone else out there may be watching the same television show as me. No constant steam of facebook updates to keep me busy and “connected.” It’s just me.

But when it gets quiet in these moments, things suddenly feel less isolated. Physical divisions of wood, stone and brick, of hurtling steel resting upon rubber, seem to me to be nothing more than empty barriers. I can call or I can text or I can get on a plane to visit whoever wherever whenever I want. From the dirt to the trees to the sky, nothing feels so far off.

And that’s how I felt a minute ago, until a police siren screamed and the cars continued to pass by.

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One Man, So Many Catchphrases: Evan Ponder’s Greatest Hits, Explained

23 Feb

The wordings of a uniquely singular man, explained.

Lean back.

Hoot Hoot Hoot – Said anytime something excites him. Taken from “The Simpsons.”

2-10! – Two numbers. In the alphabet the first letter is B, while the tenth is J. He used to enjoy pointing out when they were placed together.

Gherkin! – Said in anger. I don’t get it.

Rabble Rabble Rabble! – As explained by Alex Reside:

It’s kinda like “dougie dougie dougie.” Like, if he was trying to move fast to do something like open the door. It’s similar to a scuttling sound.

Prove it. – A response to anything you ever say to him that goes against what he thinks, or he just wasn’t listening and needed something to say. It can be very hard to prove anything to him, at times.

Huzzah! – In moments of triumph.

Harlem Shake! – Said when doing the Harlem Shake.

Ooooohhhhhhh no! – As explained by Alex Reside:

It was from a “crimes caught on tape” video, where a guy was getting ready to jump off a building and the chopper was taking the video from above and a cop was sneaking up on the jumper to pull him off the ledge, but he missed the guy and he jumped. The chopper pilot just says “Ooooohhhh no!!” He laughed for like an hour straight.

Bud Fox – The name of Charlie Sheen’s character in Wall Street. He just likes saying it.

With what? Their asses? – From the show “Prison Break,” of which he was a big supporter.

Jenkins! – Said when he would throw his toy Sonic the hedgehog at the TV to turn it on as a child.

My heart hurts – He used to eat really poorly, and at times would offer up this complaint.

That Felix is a tough customer – Based on a Felix the cat videogame. No other explanation is available.

Your woman, these women – I had trouble pronouncing “women,” as I could only say “woman.” This was embarrassing. This phrase that he came up with solved the problem.

80 missed calls!! – Said whenever he pulls out his phone.

Some like it hot – A film, but to him, more importantly, a lifestyle.

And finally…

You can’t hoot a hooter.

No explanation needed.

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