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Jake Gyllenhaal YOUR business today!

21 Mar Z_Jake-Gyllenhaal

The economy sucks. America is in the dumps. We haven’t been innovative in years.

We’re here to change all that.

What happens when three inspired business minds get together? You get three sure-fire successful business ideas/puns on Jake Gyllenhaal’s name.

“Jake Chillin-hall” by Alex Reside*

Imagine pulling up in your Kia Sorento, smiling to yourself because you look down at the dash and notice that you are getting about 28 miles to the gallon. “Suckers, I’m gonna own this club tonight,” you say to yourself as you drive 4 blocks away to find a parking spot on the street. Hop out the Sore’ and half jog to the corner and you see the line out front under the neon lights. Hum the melody to “Tonight’s going to be a good night” as you check in on Foursquare to the “Jake Chillin-hall.” You know you gotta send that bitch to Twitter, but just then your phone blows up:

“Hey bro, finna get your drink on at Jake Chillin-hall tonight?”

“Hells yea, I’m in this bitch.”

“Aight, holler at you when I get there.”

Again you hum the melody to “Tonight’s going to be a good night” as you now send that Foursquare check-in to Twitter. You are now approaching the line, but by this time, the neon, smiling Gyllenhaal face is so bright that you can barely stand it. You get to the end of the line and you crane your neck.

“Damn this place is ripe with shorties tonight,” you think to yourself.

Everyone in line is humming the melody to “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” because they all can’t wait to get into the hall and just chill on the plush sofas and the tire swings.

Tonight IS going to be a good night.

(Kia is a proud sponsor of the Jake Chillin-hall, log onto Kia.com for more info on our 10 year, 100,000 mile warranty program. Blake Griffin.)

“Jake Chili-hall” by Scott Rogers*

Well hello there, c’mon in! Welcome to the Jake Chili-hall, we hope that we may be of some assistance to you! Here at the Jake Chili-hall we strive to make our customers feel right at home, which is why as soon as you walk in the door we provide you with a full sweat suit and direct you to your very own personal recliner. Relax as our waiter’s wheel out a flat screen television for your viewing pleasure, while also providing you with a laptop that you can use to check your Facebook throughout your solo dining experience. You can blog about your feelings too, but we here at the Jake Chili-hall prefer that you eat them!

That’s why we have the largest menu of chili’s that you can find anywhere in the entire world. We got chicken chili, meaty chili, extra hot chili, super mild chili, chili-mac, mac with just a lil’ bit of chili, chili dawgs, turkey chili, and of course, our world-famous Gyllenhaal chili (no association with actor Jake Gyllenhaal), plus much more! We can serve it however you want too, bowl, plate or bucket, whatever.

Maybe none of these options sound good to you, in which case we can pour the chili straight into the cheap, generic plastic bag that you’d eat out of anyway if you were at home, alone. We even provide you with a spork, because we understand that the spork is the only tool you’ll ever need. Feel free to take it back to your studio apartment, because we know that you would steal it anyway!

Not a fan of chili? Don’t worry, we’ll provide a free bag of starburst and a snack pack of funyuns. That’s on the house y’all!

“Jake Killin’-hall” by Evan Ponder*

HOSTEL.

*None of these ideas are in any way associated with Jake Gyllenhaal. Any use of an appearance similar to his or a pun on his name is unintended.

10 Awful Things I Used to Believe

20 Mar

Zip off cargo pants that turn into shorts are cool and will never go out of style

They did, and I was always at a loss for what to do with the zipped off portions of pants too.

Girls like gel pens, so I’m going to buy gel pens

The two do not connect like I thought they would. A man can write in black, blue, green or when the situation calls for it, menacing red. Preferably, you must also use a fine point tip, no ball point jazz.

Also, when girls would give me things written in gel pen, I would have to read it over and over because the coloring made it so hard to read (especially when it was in the lighter colors) which would then force me to reread and reread it, which led to over analysis, which led to self-doubt, which then led to me messing something up in some way.

If I shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch, I’d be cooler

This, I thought, but never acted upon. I knew that if I ever wore these brands, people would think they were not cool anymore. So, jokes on you, cool people.

I’ll be able to dunk someday

The less said about this, the better.

There’s nothing wrong with eating a coffee cake out of a vending machine, and especially not if you paid for it with ten dimes, that’s not a sign at all

Turns out it is a sign. I just learned this today.

 I can drive my car a bit longer with the check engine light on, everything seems fine

I love getting towed, what can I say?!

I have a future in magic

This was a trick, pardon me, an illusion that I lived under for most of my childhood.

“Warsh” and “wash” are two separate words

You warsh your clothes but wash your hands. This was the distinction I made to myself, despite the fact that most adults around me used “warsh” in the place of “wash” at all times, yet still pronounced “Washington” correctly. It’s a Central Illinois linguistic thing.

One day I’ll be tall and have a pony tail

For some reason, I thought I was going to grow up looking completely different from anyone in my family. That’s not an insult to anyone, it’s just that I watched so much television in the early 90’s that I was convinced I would be both tall and have a sweet pony tail like Tommy from the Power Rangers. That was what teenagers looked like, genetics be damned. Now I hate it when my hair gets long enough to touch my ears and am of average height. Really thought I’d be dunking with a pony tail at some point.

If I try hard enough, things are bound to work out

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, things will never work out.

A Couple Minutes Ago Everything Shut Up

11 Mar

There was a moment when the car’s passed and it was quiet. No exhaust spitting, no lingering remnants of tires rolling against the road, no more revving of expensive suburb middle-life crises . It was quiet.

I heard a dog bark in the neighborhood behind me.

I heard geese as they flew off.

I heard a child yell something at the playground.

I heard the wind through the trees.

I heard my fan above.

I heard the refrigerator in the kitchen.

I heard my neighbor in the shower through the wall.

I could feel my heart beating, hear the gentle pulse though the veins by my ears.

The continuous echo was gone.

Sometimes, when I’m not sitting on the internet or watching television, I cant help but acknowledge where I am: In a small apartment with a random collection of things. Clothes, books, food, glasses/plates/cooking ware, video games/television/movies. There’s no connection to anything in those moments, no comforting thought of how someone else out there may be watching the same television show as me. No constant steam of facebook updates to keep me busy and “connected.” It’s just me.

But when it gets quiet in these moments, things suddenly feel less isolated. Physical divisions of wood, stone and brick, of hurtling steel resting upon rubber, seem to me to be nothing more than empty barriers. I can call or I can text or I can get on a plane to visit whoever wherever whenever I want. From the dirt to the trees to the sky, nothing feels so far off.

And that’s how I felt a minute ago, until a police siren screamed and the cars continued to pass by.

One Man, So Many Catchphrases: Evan Ponder’s Greatest Hits, Explained

23 Feb

The wordings of a uniquely singular man, explained.

Lean back.

Hoot Hoot Hoot – Said anytime something excites him. Taken from “The Simpsons.”

2-10! – Two numbers. In the alphabet the first letter is B, while the tenth is J. He used to enjoy pointing out when they were placed together.

Gherkin! – Said in anger. I don’t get it.

Rabble Rabble Rabble! – As explained by Alex Reside:

It’s kinda like “dougie dougie dougie.” Like, if he was trying to move fast to do something like open the door. It’s similar to a scuttling sound.

Prove it. – A response to anything you ever say to him that goes against what he thinks, or he just wasn’t listening and needed something to say. It can be very hard to prove anything to him, at times.

Huzzah! – In moments of triumph.

Harlem Shake! – Said when doing the Harlem Shake.

Ooooohhhhhhh no! – As explained by Alex Reside:

It was from a “crimes caught on tape” video, where a guy was getting ready to jump off a building and the chopper was taking the video from above and a cop was sneaking up on the jumper to pull him off the ledge, but he missed the guy and he jumped. The chopper pilot just says “Ooooohhhh no!!” He laughed for like an hour straight.

Bud Fox – The name of Charlie Sheen’s character in Wall Street. He just likes saying it.

With what? Their asses? – From the show “Prison Break,” of which he was a big supporter.

Jenkins! – Said when he would throw his toy Sonic the hedgehog at the TV to turn it on as a child.

My heart hurts – He used to eat really poorly, and at times would offer up this complaint.

That Felix is a tough customer – Based on a Felix the cat videogame. No other explanation is available.

Your woman, these women – I had trouble pronouncing “women,” as I could only say “woman.” This was embarrassing. This phrase that he came up with solved the problem.

80 missed calls!! – Said whenever he pulls out his phone.

Some like it hot – A film, but to him, more importantly, a lifestyle.

And finally…

You can’t hoot a hooter.

No explanation needed.

50 Things To Do Before I Die

16 Feb GoboFraggle-playinginstrument
  1. Punch a Fraggle in the face
  2. Bowl a perfect game
  3. Go to the top of the Sears tower
  4. Become a saxophone savant
  5. Meet Jerry Seinfeld
  6. Live through the zombie apocalypse
  7. Jockey, at least once
  8. Skydive and then immediately go parasailing afterwards
  9. Meet Jeremy Lin and let him know I’m not impressed
  10. Sneeze with my eyes open
  11. Impregnate person/people
  12. Learn another language
  13. Quit a job in a fit of rage
  14. Bar fight, all night
  15. Save a life and when they thank me, say “No prob”
  16. Dunk a basketball again and again
  17. Solve the whole loch ness monster thing
  18. Own and operate a Dairy Queen
  19. Eat peanut butter without pain
  20. Ride a donkey
  21. Jump out of a moving car
  22. Start a fire without matches (not arson)
  23. Get lasik surgery
  24. Become a successful writer
  25. Buy my Dad a classic car
  26. Jhorts
  27. Stand with you on a mountain
  28. Swim with you in the sea
  29. Live like this forever
  30. Sky falls down on me
  31. Win a Connect Four tournament
  32. Are You Afraid of the Dark marathon
  33. Ride an eagle
  34. Watch my friend hit on a girl using this pickup line: “Hey, you dropped your name tag,” then hand her a sugar packet with the logo “sweet thing,” have this work and they get married
  35. Make a game winning shot
  36. Own two dogs at the same time
  37. Do a back-flip on a trampoline
  38. Climb to the top of a tree
  39. Teach a class while wearing a blazer with elbow patches
  40. Go streaking (at night)
  41. Own a delicatessen
  42. Dress up like Batman and buy every Superman DVD in a store. Tell the cashier “if Superman comes in, I was never here,” then have a guy come in dressed as Superman and have him yell, “BATMANNNNNNNNN!!!” in the middle of the store
  43. Meet Calvin & Hobbes
  44. Write a novel that somebody likes
  45. Have one half of a “BFF” necklace
  46. Go everywhere in the world
  47. Be considered for a space mission
  48. Win the best screenplay Oscar with Evan Ponder for our film, “The Bike Doctor”
  49. Have Derrick Rose ask ME to take a picture with HIM
  50. Never die

(Thanks to Evan Ponder and Alex Reside for some ideas)

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